He's my kid, I swear!

Return of the bad mom guilt! Lets back up for a second, my son coughs…constantly… and we were always told it was just allergies, until Friday. My son was diagnosed with asthma and sadly it wasn’t me that made the call to go to the doctors, but his school teacher.

I received a text message from Conner's teacher around noon on Thursday asking if Conner had ever been tested for asthma- I responded with “no” he just has allergies (man was I wrong). She then pointed out that yes he has a cough, but now there was a new symptom… wheezing… when I read this, my heart sunk. How did I not notice that my child has been wheezing and coughing constantly?! OH WAIT, I know… probably because I only get to interact with my child for about 2-3 hours a day.

Conner's schedule is close to what a student goes through while getting ready for exams, except for Conner- there is no final exam date. He wakes up, attends kindergarten for seven hours, comes home to do about three hours of ABA therapy (he currently has 5-6 sessions a week) then has about two hours to eat dinner, take a bath and somewhere in there we fit in quality family time with his little brother and me. He does this everyday, and it all gets done before 8 pm when his bedtime routine starts so he can get the proper sleep needed to do it all over the next day.

I barely see or spend time with my own child. Who really would have thought this is how his life would be at the age of five. He is barely six years old! Of course when he has his “down” time all he wants to do is play on his Ipad, or play on the computer- he is a kid, a growing kid that has been put into a more intense work schedule than I know all of you went through when you were his age. But what am I to do? Its helping… but who is losing out in the long run?

This is clearly one of the things people don’t think of when they hear “Autism”. I bet you thought life was all gumdrops and rainbows ehh. Yes there are tantrums, screaming, lots of biting and fist throwing- but in reality these kids are still kids. I never wished this for my child but I really hope that one day he will still thank me. I hope our bond continues to grow as he gains language, I hope he finds a way to express himself whether it be music or writing or just building something beautiful. Most of all I hope people continue to accept him. I love hearing from all of his teachers and therapists that he is such a funny smart and loving kid. I really do love hearing it- but it saddens me that they get to see it more than I do. He is my child, I grew him, I gave birth to him, and yes he will always be my kid, I love you Conner and this is what is best for you- ill never get this time back, but we will be sure to make big memories so that one day when he is older he can say “I did this with my brother and my Mom”.

For Conner,
Keep shining little one, your voice is getting bigger and better by the day! Everyone is so proud of you and you have so many people standing tall behind you to make sure you never fall. Just remember we are finding your voice, one word at a time. We love you to the moon and back!

50 things about Me.

A lot of people ask me what makes Conner different, and honestly it’s hard to put it in words. If you think about it all children with Autism are different. I’ve used the analogy before that Autism is like the driver of the bus and you never know what students your going to get, so when it comes down to it Autism is so much more than a person having bad social skills or developmental delays. Autism is language, its actions, its feelings and again so much more. Every child is different and instead of asking "why" Conner does things differently I decided I was going to tell you what he actually does and allow you to get to know a piece of him. Finding Conner’s voice will take years, but the progress we have had within this past year will make it all worth it in the end!


1. My name is Conner and I am almost 6 years old.
2. My language skills are far from the best.
3. I did not know how to say "Mommy" or "Conner" until I was 5 1/2 years old
4. For about 6 months I refused to say yes or no. Instead I would click my tongue and point to the item I wanted
5. I learned to read before using my verbal language, this makes me Hyperlexic.
6. I have only been in ABA therapy for a year, but I have made more progress in this past year then I have my entire life!
7. I absolutely love anything Disney
8. I can now name animals, stores, and my favorite is naming characters.
9. I love movies, and mostly YOUTUBE.
10. I find character figurines fascinating.
11. I am an absolute whiz at an Ipad
12. I almost always have something in my hand, its part of my sensory disorder.
13. Most children express imagination skills as early as the toddler years, but I am almost 6 and I am just now using my imagination.
14. I love to line up my toys, I have done this since 18 months old and I probably will never stop.
15. I like to jump when I am standing still, and if you need me to get somewhere quick all you need to do is tell me to gallop like a horse to point b and ill get there in no time.
16. I always have to hold an adults hand when out of my house or classroom ...if not I am a runner and I am quick to jump in front of moving items without warning.
17. I scream when I get frustrated.
18. I also love to put my hands over my ears. This isn’t only for annoying sounds, but mainly when I am excited.
19. Sadly I am not 100% potty trained because I haven’t figured out how to express my needs to use the restroom.
20. My favorite animal is a shark. But due to my stubbornness and my language skills I call it a "Yark"
21. I can probably play my Xbox games better than you.
22. I have a new found glory for dancing. Everyone says I know how to bust a move.
23. I also LOVE to sing! My words are not all there but trust me you can tell that I am trying
24. I hate brushing my teeth.
25. I still need assistance getting dressed, but don’t worry I can take it all off when it counts!
26. I LOVE to give hugs! I’m super friendly I promise!
27. I currently attend an Autism Kindergarten classroom... I fit so well and I finally feel like I belong!
28. I still cannot ride a bike; I can ride a power wheel if you can help me with the steering.
29. I have a super hard time sitting still for longer than ten minutes.
30. I have super bad allergies like my dad, but any medicine makes my tantrums come more frequently.
31. I currently am not on any mood changing medicine for the fact that I cannot express if they made me feel bad on the inside.
32. I did not learn to jump until I was 3 years old.
33. I love my happy meals so much I sing the "bu duh duh duh duh im lovin' it" song when I am riding along through the drive through
34. Cutting my hair requires two adults and several electronics to keep me still. If mommy has to do it alone it takes her at least two sitting to cut it evenly and I give her hell evertime she comes close to my ears.
35. Sometimes I do not hear people when they call my name. It could take you yelling up to 3-4 times for me to recognize it is me you are calling.
36. I practically taught myself how to swim.
37. I love the pool even more than the ocean!
38. I still to this day do not understand many simple commands. If you ask me for the remote it takes me a few to actually remember what a remote is and also that you’re asking for me to hand it to you.
39. I am so intelligent I know how to order movies on demand, even with a password,
40. I don’t understand why I have to wait in line. I blame my patience.
41. I believe that rough play is allowed 24-7 and that everyone is fair game.
42. Sugar might be fun to you, but it messes with all of my senses.
43. My little brother is really becoming my best friend, I like to teach him all sorts of things that makes mommy’s head spin.
44. I am such a picky eater. At the moment all I want is noodles, pizza, hot dogs or chicken nuggets. I absolutely refuse to eat any vegetable (like most kids) but if it is not “finger foods” I will not even try it out.
45. Surprisingly I didn’t learn to drink out of an open cup until the age of 3, even then I still spilt it constantly for months after I learned my new skill
46. Every time I learn a new skill, my mommy cries. You should have seen her when I called her mommy for the first time!!
47. My computer skills are better than a teenager on facebook.
48. I am a very smiley and all around happy when I am not having one of my famous tantrums. They consist of me rolling around the floor like a wet noodle.
49. My lack of vocabulary is ultimately that of a 2 year old… but I will not let that stop me.
50. I am Conner. I am proud to say I have overcome a lot of hurdles all by the age of 6. My life will have many challenges but I have the best family support that any child could ask for. My mother is my number one fan though…

Thank you for taking the time to read about Conner. He doesn’t need to be explained because when it comes down to it, he is Conner

Three months down. 100 tantrums to go.

A few minutes in the life of me. I just finished folding my basket of laundry, and I was making my rounds from room to room put everyone's clothes away. I turned the corner to see my 42 inch son, who weighs about 43 pounds turn to me and scream "MOMeee, baby hit me". Nevermind the fact that my 27lb almost two year old just punched my almost 6 year old... But my sweet Conner just said a complete sentence.

We are officially at the halfway mark for their dads deployment, and to be honest it f-ing sucks.  Now I apologize that I haven't blogged in three months but honestly it has taken that much time for me to adjust. And I'll also be honest and say that I've started writing this about four times already, each one had a different emotion, I was sad, depressed, pissed off, and more... I like to think I'm sane at the moment, but that is highly debatable. 

Now these past three month have been draining when it comes to Conner. Reminder, autism and change do not go well together. At the end of April my children's father left for his first deployment. Mid May Conners first year of school ended. Conners ABA therapists started coming more often at different times. Conner started summer social camp, and now camp is almost over and we will be getting ready for kindergarten at another new school. If you care to fit anymore life changing events into my child's life- this would be the time (remember we still have three months to go- anything can happen).

Conner has had more tantrums within the past three months than he has this past year that we have been in ABA. Great thing about our "applied behavior analysis" therapy is the cool perk that they graph everything on a daily to keep a record of his changes. So needless to say this kid has been on a hiatus for the past three months. 

Now all jokes aside. These three months have been good too. The bond I have with Conner has gotten stronger, we still struggle but finally after 5.5 years of him being here in this earth I am finally hearing the words "Mommy" and "please" and "thank you" and all those other great words that parents take for granted. My child who they told me will probably never have a normal speech is talking. He is no longer "non" verbal. He might be have very low speech and not be able to understand everything yet- but he sure can tell you all of the animal names and Disney characters and he can prompt for almost anything he wants. To be able to talk to my child, is the best feeling, and I am so hopeful that one day he will be able to explain to the world what his life is like through his eyes. 

Lets keep in mind this chapter as I call it is hard. This is all me, no spouse, no family for 500 miles, only a few friends who will actually pick up the phone...  For the next few months I look forward to getting life a new sparkle. And don't worry a new sparkle means many many more blogs and updates! 

The dreaded word. Deployment.

Imagine thinking your life is set, you have a huge bank account, you have the best car, your home is paid for, you have a loving family and then you wake up. Your homeless, your broke, your family is missing and you have no clue what to do. This is honestly how my child feels when it comes to change. Conner might only be five years old, but that's part of his Autism. Conner has it all, a big house with lots of toys, all his favorite foods whenever he wants them, a pain in the butt little brother and two loving parents but Conner's dad is being deployed for the first time in less than a month and it is going to not only be hard for the entire family but it will completely flip Conner's world upside down.

 

Now I cannot speak for you, but this is a tight family unit. My husband is home at 5, therapy ends every day at 5:45, dinner is eaten around 6 and then its bath by dad and off to bed. Conner knows when mommy does bath, and daddy is nowhere to be found that "Shit just aint right". I am not looking forward to the next 6 months of being a "single" mom of two young boys one which has Autism.

 

I have known for almost 6 months that this is happening, but until the last month or two it really hit me. I used to think "ehh I have some time" now I'm like "shit I can’t do this!" And to speak openly I don't need people telling me "you'll be fine" and "it'll go fast" cause ill only have two words to tell you- it starts with "f" and is four letters. Oh and the second word to what I’ll say is "you"...

 

So back to the point...

 

In order to help my semi non-verbal child understand what big change is coming up the therapists and I have been working hard to come up with ideas. Due to the fact that we are still currently potty training and it seems like Conner's dad is the only one that can make him go on cue (go figure) we decided to make a video of dad talking to Conner about how it’s time to go potty and also in the video he will be physically walking Conner to the bathroom and will do the bathroom routine with him. Hopefully this will help Conner not back track on his progress during the deployment months. Our "big lady therapist" (as I call her) also suggested making a social story book. Basically this book will have actual pictures and will talk about daddy will be deployed and how Conner will still do things normally with mommy and brother and at the end daddy will come back. It will mimic a book I got from our Airman Family Readiness Center when we arrived at our base three years ago. The last idea that I personally came up with is buying Conner a daddy doll. A daddy doll comes from a company that allows you to upload a picture of your service member and out comes a foot tall version of the service member. Only thing about these dolls, once you add up all the add ons- it can be a 40 dollar plush toy (ouch!).

 

I know that this is going to be hard for me, but I can only imagine the emotions that Conner is going to go through. All I can do is be strong for him and be his constant. Because were almost to the exact one month left mark we have made it a family mission to do as much as we can before the D-day. We have housework, beach trips, field trips to the museums and lots of laughter planned. Having a child with Autism is hard, it’s even harder when you’re doing it alone.

 

A promise has now been made. Take one day at a time, as each day presents something different. Whether it be good or bad, every day is a brand new day. Anything can happen for a special needs parent, there are no truer words.

 

All our friends are different.

All our friends are different but we love them all the same. We had the privilege to attend the yo gabba gabba show live this weekend and this was one of the live performance songs I was forced(hahaha) to listen to, but in all honesty it was probably my favorite of the evening! Conner did surprisingly well during the concert with the help of our trusty iPad during intermission- would I attend another concert, sure would! Yes when the show started the confetti popped and instantly as the music started blaring my child's hands went straight over his ears, but by the second song he was jumping and dancing and laughing up a storm but his hands stayed locked into place for almost the first half of the show! Conner blended right in and it was amazing to know that I can do things like this with my child! I would never use the excuse of " because of his autism we cannot...". I strongly believe that if you try to make these kids feel normal they will do it to the best of their ability, yes he is different and has different needs but if you never try, you'll never know if they can. As my husband says, " a little patience can go a long way".

Now we have had an interesting few weeks. So a much bigger issue has come up, I was forced to deal with a man that told me autism was just a fancy term for stupid, and that my child was only this way because I was a liberal who didn't follow his extreme faith. This man touched so many buttons that I vowed to make him known for what he has said. It only takes one person to stand up and show people the facts. If this man doesn't get his facts straight he will continue to spread his views and furthermore pass on the ridiculous views to other people and the misconceptions about children with autism. My child is far from "stupid", he is actually quite intelligent, he just learns things at a different pace. You do not talk wrongly about my child and get away with it. I know it's impossible to change everyone's opinions, but that doesn't mean we cannot try!

I urge people to stand up and help people understand autism. All of these kids are different but we love them all the same <3

Here are some resources. Autismspeaks.org and autism-society.org

Sick in disguise.

Imagine feeling like you have a just a cold and you go to the doctors and it ends up being pneumonia. This happened to our poor Conner a little over a year ago and ever since I take something as simple as a runny nose very seriously.

Due to Conners history he has a very high tolerance to pain, I feel like the combination of his lack of speech and high sensory needs that he doesn't understand if he doesn't feel right simply because he doesn't know what normal is. Now when he got pneumonia he had a simple runny nose for a few days and then he had a fever I couldn't get to go down so we took him to the doctors and wham we got the big news. Now two weeks later he spent all morning crying and grabbing at his throat so I rushed him into urgent care to find out that his pneumonia wasn't cleared up and he also had a double ear infection! This kid is strong. So this past Saturday he didn't sleep well the night before and was crying constantly so we got him into urgent care again to find out that he had sinusitis( basically a sinus infection) and an ear infection! All this and you could barely tell he was sick! Even with no sleep Conner was still bouncing of the walls, running around like "crazy Conner" and enjoying his iPad time.

Point proven that if the boy is sick, you really can't tell.

One thing that I don't like to do is see several different doctors because it is hard to keep explaining conners diagnosis over and over. But surprisingly this doctor was great and also gave some great advice. As I was explaining my child with autism who happens to be non verbal the doctor told me if I ever feel as though he just isn't normal, that I should give him some medicine because clearly he cannot tell me if he has a stomach ache or a headache. Which made a great point, I've had headaches of what feels like my entire life. Now being my child, what if Conner has the same headaches which makes him have these "off" days as I call them.

This doctor definitely made me think and I make my promise to Conner that I will continue to trust my gut and watch out for him until he is able to voice his feelings himself.

Who would have thought I'd be here.

It's been almost a year since we were waiting to get Conner officially diagnosed. A year ago today I was counting down the days until our appointment with the psychologist. A year ago I was sitting at home bawling my eyes out every few hours because the stress of having a four year old who did not listen and a four month old colicky baby was hard. I never saw this for my future. A year ago I never wanted to leave the townhouse we were renting and look at us now, we own our house and I can't wait to get out and have new adventures. A year ago I was scared to introduce my child to strangers in fear that he wouldn't be accepted. Here I am a year later, here Conner is a year later. He is a brand new child who is working on bettering himself. A year later my son is finding his voice, he is starting to read because I taught him. He is finally starting to understand the toilet is not a monster. He is realizing he has a brother who will be around for the rest of his life.

A year ago I did not think I would get to where we are. I am so very thankful I'm finally getting recognized as a great mother, I'm thankful that my child is being accepted. Society sees that autism is not just a diagnosis. He is different, but that Is what makes him Conner.

We will take one day at a time. We will speak loudly. Like I always say, just because you do not have a voice, does not mean you have nothing to say.

Remembering what life was like before our official diagnosis is hard. It feels like it was so long ago but in reality we have barely made it to that one year mark. Conner I am so proud of you and I'm proud to call myself your mom. I long to hear you call me "mommy" but that will never stop me from being your voice.

Again I thank everyone for reading. We are only one year into this lifetime journey but I couldn't do this without y'all's positive energy!!

New year, and all that follows.

First I'd like to say I hope everyone had a joyous Christmas filled with great food, lots of laughter, some gifts and hopefully all the people you love and care about. I also hope your new year has been as fresh as a newborn baby after their first bath (haha lame but cute)!

We traveled back to the great state of Virginia following our Christmas at home, and surprisingly it was the best 8 hour drive with two kids that I've ever experienced! My dear husband was able to join us on the drive this time around so it was nice to be together as a family (Conner is much more behaved when each child has his "buddy"). We decided for this drive we we're gonna take our time because we knew we'd hit traffic so of course our trip was a few hours longer than normal but thanks to a big case of DVDs, an iPad (with charger), and of course 2 bags of popcorn plus numerous snacks... We made it! Conner was very well behaved and I feel as though he did well considering he was in different surroundings once again. I don't think he remembers that for the first three years of his life he lived in Virginia, but I know one day he will understand.

As we returned from our last family vacation of the year it was a bittersweet weekend. The following Monday my child was returning to school but no longer as a half day student, he was now a full day kid. What does that mean- he was no longer only there for three hours but now seven hours. First thought- what the hell am I going to do for seven whole hours with his 16 month old brother?! When I only had one child I was still working at a vet occasionally pulling 11 hour shifts so I was kept busy, but now I kind of feel lost. Because of the holiday his first full day week was only three days long and he rocked them! Conner not only more than doubled his time at school but he is eating packed lunches in a cafeteria, he's using the potty like a big boy at least once a day and well his language has expanded to so many words it's hard to count!

Conner still has his at home ABA four days a week plus once every other weekend so he stays very busy but it is helping so much! I was very worried that I was putting his needs on another adult but everyone is reassuring me this is whats best for him. I still can't shake the "but I'm his mom" feeling. As much as I feel it should be my job to teach him I'm understanding that he is special, and it definitely does take a village to raise that kid ;)

Now on another note I'm a suffering the biggest case of writers block. I have so much to say but I am, like I said, stuck in the it's my job mood. This year holds big things for our family, our first deployment comes in a few months and I fear that I will not be able to handle all of his alone. We are also currently trying to get all the financial help Conner deserves and also the stress of getting Conner to eat more than just chicken nuggets is hard. I would like to say thank you for reading and as for all of you that message me or call me (cough mom cough) asking where my blog is, I urge you to continue. Writing and hearing everyone listen to conners story means the world and is better than having a therapist. Cheers to another insane year!!