Return of the bad mom guilt! Lets back up for a second, my son coughs…constantly… and we were always told it was just allergies, until Friday. My son was diagnosed with asthma and sadly it wasn’t me that made the call to go to the doctors, but his school teacher.
I received a text message from Conner's teacher around noon on Thursday asking if Conner had ever been tested for asthma- I responded with “no” he just has allergies (man was I wrong). She then pointed out that yes he has a cough, but now there was a new symptom… wheezing… when I read this, my heart sunk. How did I not notice that my child has been wheezing and coughing constantly?! OH WAIT, I know… probably because I only get to interact with my child for about 2-3 hours a day.
Conner's schedule is close to what a student goes through while getting ready for exams, except for Conner- there is no final exam date. He wakes up, attends kindergarten for seven hours, comes home to do about three hours of ABA therapy (he currently has 5-6 sessions a week) then has about two hours to eat dinner, take a bath and somewhere in there we fit in quality family time with his little brother and me. He does this everyday, and it all gets done before 8 pm when his bedtime routine starts so he can get the proper sleep needed to do it all over the next day.
I barely see or spend time with my own child. Who really would have thought this is how his life would be at the age of five. He is barely six years old! Of course when he has his “down” time all he wants to do is play on his Ipad, or play on the computer- he is a kid, a growing kid that has been put into a more intense work schedule than I know all of you went through when you were his age. But what am I to do? Its helping… but who is losing out in the long run?
This is clearly one of the things people don’t think of when they hear “Autism”. I bet you thought life was all gumdrops and rainbows ehh. Yes there are tantrums, screaming, lots of biting and fist throwing- but in reality these kids are still kids. I never wished this for my child but I really hope that one day he will still thank me. I hope our bond continues to grow as he gains language, I hope he finds a way to express himself whether it be music or writing or just building something beautiful. Most of all I hope people continue to accept him. I love hearing from all of his teachers and therapists that he is such a funny smart and loving kid. I really do love hearing it- but it saddens me that they get to see it more than I do. He is my child, I grew him, I gave birth to him, and yes he will always be my kid, I love you Conner and this is what is best for you- ill never get this time back, but we will be sure to make big memories so that one day when he is older he can say “I did this with my brother and my Mom”.
For Conner,
Keep shining little one, your voice is getting bigger and better by the day! Everyone is so proud of you and you have so many people standing tall behind you to make sure you never fall. Just remember we are finding your voice, one word at a time. We love you to the moon and back!
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